Lajjavathiye......

O Shy Maiden, what do you hide in your eyes?
Mayflower, Lotus petal, honey or honey moon?or is it a raindrop, mint stalk, fish or a rainbow?Caress me and stand, shy doe, the princess as sweet as a rose, in the palace of my heart

Remembering the childhood days when we used to build castles
with smooth stones near the river that flowed like glass
the childhood where we used to share piles of sweet mangoes with squirrels,
did you forget those times?

Sweet were those moments, sweeter are these moments
moments where a eons of magic is transformed to gently swaying love

I remember the days when we used to string tender stalks of paddy togetherin the fields kissed by dewdrops,
the fields where we used to play around with calves
I remember the days when we used dress up as kings and queens, sticking cotton flower on your sweet upper lip..

Sweet was those moments, sweeter are these moments
When gut-wrenching pain is transformed to soothing love

[Transalation of Lajjavathiye - For The People, 2004 (Malayalam) ]

I am walking away...

Hard to explain few words, few things that happen in life. It’s true that life changes shape, size and changes color probably every instance of seconds without even us realizing it. Every moment of our life we struggle for our own existence and forget what we might be leaving behind. Is it necessary that every moment we remind the person whom we love and care for the most that they are the ones who make us what we are? I believe it's not. but definitely if there are unspoken words then once in a while we have got to let that feelings of the heart open and if not through words but through action show how much someone really means. It’s not the big things in life that counts. The smaller picture, the little small doings, the little small prayers that makes someone special, someone wanted. I have always wondered why I need friends. I am happy being alone, cloaked in my secrecy, am happy with my own very small existence. Then I realized I was wrong. I need friends, through whom I can reflect my own life, need them for a shoulder to cry on, for those stupid arguments which make me rage in anger and then realize a whole new me! And for that very special moments when they make me realize I am so very cared, so very wanted and so very loved!!! It’s difficult when life takes you on a roller coaster ride and more often than not we get thrown away in some other plane where we have to claim our very new survival. well friends change, places change, weather change, a whole new world of change’s accepted what life had to offer coz honestly I had no choice. My very few happy days are spent when I come back to my own self with people whom I love and care about the most. But I failed to realize that it's not me who goes through the change alone, it's everyone else too. The place where I was standing abandoned me, the closeness, the warmth and affection they are all there but in a distance. Now I have to stretch out my hands and ask for it when before it used to come down to me. am not cribbing and complaining why but all I say at the end of the day it's hard to accept that what you had yesterday ,what came to you so naturally ,today you have to struggle to get it. Well that's what you call emotions and what I call "the human crap". The door that would open before I have to push it open now that's all that changed. Surprising that people you thought were close to you, now have become prey to the jealous eye. There’s always someone watching you to take that place where you belong. And it's a constant effort to stand up and face that fear. Some people are friends coz they need problems in their life to be solved by someone who shares the same experiences, some needs that emotional support to open up and be themselves, some needs that bond of fraternity to care and show affection to, while for others it's just fun to be with. My question is if I step down step down tomorrow, repaint my existence from their lives would it really matter? Would someone really miss me? I know my other half would, but the others will blend into the sphere and erase every feeling putting it as a memory back of their mind. Little things that makes us precious and wanted in everyday life, A little love, a little attention, a little care, a little time, a small little moment of remembrance that's all I ask for, nothing more nothing less. Not a clause for jealousy and plight, not to prove who's better and get the looks of jealous eyes. Fundamental theory of life "change is the only permanent thing ", so flow with the change or be prepared to be kicked off...I made a choice, am stepping down the stairs...

The who's who of human crap!!

Friends, an integral part of our life without whom our existence practically
seizes. Who do we call a best friend? Someone who can reflect our
thoughts,say them before we actually translate them into words, someone
who shares our 'inner i' , Someone who looks through us? Sometime in
life when we meet a companion our heart mingles with the joy and we feel
we have got a great friend. but in practise how many of our "so called
great friends" do actually know us?probably none. The fundamental
theory of solitude is to gather as many companionship as we can to hide
our inner sorrows and express ourselves as someone we want to be, not
someone we already are. In our everyday struggle of life we act like the
"social hypocrites" that we are, so what happens to the real persona
inside? With so many faces, and characters and so many emotions
enveloping our mere existence it becomes difficult at times to recognise
ourselves. I have had my shares of trials and tribulations and in every
stage of life i have found that very special hand to pull me through my
depths of despair to my heights of glory. More than a friend, more than a
companion, more than anything put together in petty words there is the
one who reflects my 'inner i'. Not every people are fortunate enough to
discover that realm of human spirit where we are allowed to hover around
without our social mask, pretend to be no one but ourselves. Life like a
mighty tidal wave keeps coming in it's glorious shades, sweeping us off
our feet and then probably at the new cross roads of life we realise a new
dawn. A beginning of a new belief , beginning of new people, new
existence and new rules of survival. So what happens to the old thoughts
and belongings? Do they get washed off along with the tide? For some
they do , for others they leave an impression on the sands of time in
golden letters. People come and people go everyday but there are some
who are irreplacable. How can you probably live without that person who
is actually everything that you are??how can you seperate yourself from
yourself? So even if the tidal waves sweep away the shores all i have is
my belief, all i have is my faith. Because in my heart i know no matter what
i do i can never leave myself alone...

"There are times when silence have the loudest words"

At some point of time in our lives we come across a situation where we want to express so many things to someone and then we either get tongue-tied or keep thinking if the words should be said at all. no matter how much of words put together still it feels that words won't do justice to what we wanted to explain. Those are the times when unspoken words speak so much! the color of the sky,the beauties of the moon suddenly starts making sense. I often wish i had someone who would understand me just as the way i understand myself , who'll know me inside out. To whom i could just look at and he'll know what i want to say, is that what you call a soulmate?? have tried explaining so many times , have tried to convey so many thoughts , have tried to show so many feelings have no idea if the feelings got conveyed, if the thoughts ever reached to the soul i tried speaking to , many times! maybe , they were if i believe my soulmate is "a miny me". Still whatever i said,whatever i wrote, no way suffice the way i feel. So i'll stop putting my feelings into words. After all the glory of silence have no words to define...

DOWN THE MEMORY LANE...

Love went away from life even before I knew. The thought of a painful dawn made my tears roll down. So many sleepless nights, so many lonely evenings, the mellow tunes and so much of pain drowned my happiness and somehow I got used to live with it. For days it felt that life has suddenly stopped flowing, and the big boulders on my heart made moving ahead in life not difficult but impossible. Old thoughts, old memories kept hitting me time and again and desperately i started seeking solitude. The voice of melancholy, the darkness of tranquility kept haunting me. Even though people say every cloud has a silver lining I knew this cloud had nothing to give me but the rain, the shower of tears taking the pleasures, giving the pain.
But something changed. Suddenly a miracle happened. And the next morning before I knew there was a new dawn waiting at my doorsteps. My heart started beating in the strangest harmony , a tune that has been haunting me in my shallow hours. I found you when I opened my eyes from the world of agony, torture and pain. Felt I was born again when I looked in your eyes. The feeling was ecstatic and from that very moment my life changed, changed in the strangest possible way even I couldn’t anticipate. I was selfish, awkward, hopeless and desperate for love. I needed you helplessly like a mother to a child. There was no love but there was a need, the need that overpowered me…
Eventually there was one day when I woke up and it was as if the magic spells have finally drifted. I found myself just the way I was before. You came into my life like a whiff of fresh air sweeping me off my feet. That time I realized that the needs have vanished, the desires have gone and the desperate hours have left. What was left behind was love, pure and unadulterated by camal desires. The very thought of love shudders me, parting pains me more. With you I saw a new dawn. You held my hands when I was weak and in your little way you gave me the strength to believe in life and love again. You pulled me out from my depths of despair to my heights of glory. I found in you that island of happiness when I was shipwrecked, all alone caught in the middle of the storm. You sheltered me, comforted me. I found my lost paradise in your arms!! But this world is a cruel place and more brutal are the people who stay here. The storm is not over, the clouds will again overcast the sky, there would again be a torrid downpour and waves will again rise and that’s how life goes on…we built castles, we dream of a far away land and mouth several promises. But as the day breaks the castles break down, all dreams are shattered and all promises broken. All that is left behind is our solitudes and we. Dreaming of you in my life would be like building a castle in the air, so I never dream. All I know no matter what happens, no matter whatever upheaval happens there’s always going to be a part of me that’ll live an eternity with you. We will weather the storm; we will bear the heat and one day we’ll perish. But our love for each other will stay forever. Even if we were miles apart my wish, my prayers will always follow you like a shadow.
On this road of love we fall a hundred times but eventually we stand up. We all know life goes on even if it feels it’s over. So for the days for us to come, for the pleasures for us to enjoy let this be the happiest moment, the deepest agony, the most desired desire, the most cherished memories of our lives lived so far. Let the pain be the pleasure, let the tears be the joy, let the desire be the Satan, let the now be the forever, so that one day when these arms are no more there to hold me I can tell myself I HAVE SPENT AND ETERNITY LOVING YOU….

WHEN LOVE KILLS LOVE....

Love and compassion are the basic fundamental needs of mankind. With love follows trust, belief, honesty and loyalty. It’s the compassion and the fraternity that binds the mankind together. It’s amazing how love can change our lives; make us mingle in the strangest harmony we can expect of. It’s the purest of all emotions and the closest to our heart. A few moment in love can make your heart skip a beat or make your pulse rising. Love makes life the sweetest to live for. Some say love is filling one’s soul with the beauties of the night, by the shimmering moonbeams on a lily pond when the fragrant lilies are in full bloom. To others love is more than fanciful dreams it’s a manner of life. All we know love comes in our lives with its blithest hues. We tend to put all our trust and belief on one person we love the most. But if every happiness has a sorrow, every joy has a pain; every fanciful love has a tearful ending. It’s real harsh to know how life at times can be really cruel. The brutality of live is not getting beaten up but lying undead and uncared for and when you know the one person whom you love and care the most stabs right at your back. Love can be fanciful and joyous but the trauma of a broken heart can be more torturous than the worst perils of the world. In our dreams where the wheels of imagination are left to our hands we keep knitting the Penelope’s net and drench ourselves in mad intoxication. Little we realize that someday if those dreams get crushed how painful it will feel. It’s hard to dream and it’s harder to see our dreams getting blown away in the thin air like rock debris blown away by the cruel sand in a rocky desert. What hurts the most is the fear of betrayal, which can make us dead from inside. It’s hard to digest that the person whom we love the most makes us the most miserable! When we feel tormented by a besetting sun, when love comes to us like a thunder lashing in full blast hitting us like a quiver full of sharp arrows flooding our manicured home , we look back haywire in search of a companion who can hold us, protect us from the incessant lashing. But what if then we realize that there is only us weathering the storm! That’s when the biggest question arises. What were the desolation, the pain, and the torture for? And at times we feel embarrassed to admit that it was for someone who broke our heart, who crushed our dreams, who mouthed all the false promises..!!
This is the time we realize that love can be brutal and can be a devastating pain. It’s a torture to witness someone being rude, non-caring, non-affectionate, arrogant and making caustic comments. Knowing that how easily people change and people forget it’s hard at times to say love is the sweetest of all emotions, rather it’s the antithesis- it’s the painful of all. I have learnt one thing in my 23 years of life. Never love anyone madly or give yourself completely to anyone coz the only thing in life which is permanent is “change”! There are people in this world that even if you surrender yourself the return you get is long lectures, sarcastic statements, and selfish expressions. Love and care has no value in life any more. It’s all a give and take world. What you give is never what you get in return. All people are bothered about their own self, their own needs, their own desires. When they have them fulfilled they know how to walk out. The world is full with such selfish people and I say people like that “don’t deserve to be loved”. But even though I say a list of long sentences there’s still a soul inside me incapable of being cut, which is proof against fire, impervious to water, and undriable as well. The soul is eternal, omnipresent, immoval, constant and everlasting...

As P.B Shelly says : “ love for a man is his life,
For a woman , it’s her whole existence”

The Sounds of Tranquil...

We hardly take time off from this restless world to be with ourselves. There is so much inside of us to explore, there is so much unknown, unseen, unheard things that await that wait inside of us for a vent to voice our thoughts. One of them is tranquility. We are full to the brim with emotions bestowed upon us emotions like love, hate, happiness, jealousy, pain and others. But there is a part of us deep down inside which is shallow which is empty which is alone. Seldom we take time off to be with that part of ourselves. We are all the time so busy running around fighting and struggling for our survival. At times if we glance beyond ourselves, look above the horizon, stare at a petal or a wayside pansy we’ll find there is much to life than just survival. We realize the shallow whole when we are in pain. When some agony rips apart our heart, when the sweetest dreams are lost, and when hopes lie dead. In this dark dismal lonely corner of our heart lie some agonizing memories. An act of betrayal, a scene of horror, or some humiliation. They are wounds, sorrows, festering sores that should be healed closed or cauterize, but continue to haunt. At times when we find ourselves nowhere it’s the time to go back to our tranquil self. There are times when we feel steamrolled by the crushing fists of guilt, deceit and disillusionment, where things don’t always have a perfect ending, where guilt gnaws at one’s peace of mind and one’s confidence wavers. These things can mercilessly rip apart someone’s normalcy. There are times when truth seems stranger than fiction and we hate to admit to honesty. Its that time when we give up and listen to what our heart says. This land of “Eldora do” lies deep inside our heart.
We all go through the trials and tribulations of life. As they say if you didn’t have knocks and disappointments in life, if you haven’t been blooded you are probably not a whole person. It’s the effect of making us little heartless, little cynical, which is all good coz we need that protection. When the Lord of Silence, the Supreme Lord of Desolation infuses in mankind the grandeur of melancholy, the divinity of loneliness, the purity of evil, the paradise of pain there’s still a part of us where hope files and takes shelter. We may fail to snatch a rainbow up on the sky, but we can never stop hoping. Hope is immortal and beautiful and anything that is beautiful can never fade into nothingness, it’s an idea in the mind and as such is not subject to the laws of death and decay, which govern the material universe. What is destroyed is the human capacity of perceiving hope. In the gloom of error, ignorance, and strife which envelopes mankind the human organs of perception are obscured and cannot endure the white radiance of that eternity with which the sublime ideas exist.
So even if the world becomes a spiritually gloomy desert, dark, storm ridden, suffused with mist, we should keep our eyes open to see that arched beyond the mortal sight is the divine light, the eternal ray of hope. So when sorrows hits us hard and our lives becomes a Necropolis cast away by pathos and agony, it’s time to take a closer look at ourselves, listen to our tranquil corner and hope, coz at the end we know in life we can never loose everything, it’s just that we haven’t won it yet….

Here's something i wrote long back for some one special....

The kiss dear love , your lips have left
Shall never pass from time,
Till happier hours restore the gift
Untained back to mine.
I ask no pledge to make me blessed
In gazing all alone,
Nor one memorial for a breast,
Whose thoughts are all your own.
Nor i need to write to tell the tale,
My pen was doubly weak;
Oh!what idle words can explain!
unless the heart could speak?
In day or night, in weal or woe
That hurt no longer free,
My Heart Shall Beat The Love It Cannot Show
And Silent Ache For Thee.....

A Thought...

" When hearts have once mingled,
Love first leaves the well-built nest;
The weak one is singled
To endure what it once possessed"... P.B.Shelly

What exactly is love?just a four letter word?So easy to understand and so damn difficult to decipher?there are million questions that surround that word. Till today humans have failed to explain what exactly we mean when we say we are in love and hence so many poems and so many dramas... where poets have wondered for years and years to find a definition.Human language has a problem to talk about love, whichever form it takes. The deepest love letters and love poetry we can produce always leaves the reader with a feeble image--but at least an image- of the raging fire that spurned the lover to blurt out on paper or sculpture his/her loving passions and longings.
if we consider love to be an emotion then i' d say thats how i always felt till i met someone in my life who actually redefined my whole life's theories. According to him love is a realisation..and yes after spending years of stupid sentiments and emotions i've realised something, love does make you realise lots of things, the true facts of life, the agony and the pain.it's hard to make a decision and it's even harder to stick to the decison we make. More often than not we hear people saying look before you leap,think twice before you do anything so that at the end you don't have any regrets of the decision you took. Well i took couple of decisions based on my instinct , where i listened to my heart than my head, whimsically yes and without thinking twice and now there has come a time when the path i tried so hard to forget snaps back at me, haunting me every single moment, every single hour!!!now that, i have taken the decision what choice do i have?make peace with i have?be happy with what i get?just let myself totally loose , so vulnerable?? well it's easier said than done...at the end of the day we are all humans with emotions that more often than not overpower our feelings.....

The Hidden Truth...

Sometimes life can be pretty confusing. For me the word "sometimes" needs a special defintion...i would say there have been hardly very few times when i have said to myself hey this is so simple...!!maybe i have the nack of twisting and turning every simple matter into complex problems.later on i sit with my hand on my head and try to find out a simple solution to the "so-made" complex problems.Now isn't that fasinating?Sometimes i feel i'm a genious for deciphering the hidden truths even when things are all clear , for trying to understand the hidden meanings of words that probably don't even exist , for always trying to read between the lines!!! I mean think about it, if Life was so simple and straight forward what would be the fun living it??So for the thrill of life think of a zig-zag pebble made road that leads to a crossroad and the crossroad leads to million other roads!!and soon you'll realise your mind is filled with imaginations far beyond expectations,ideas more wicked than you can ever think off.well to honestly say i just nurture the human spirit inside,for people who live their lives as a duty, i add some colors, instead of a new shade of gray maybe a vibrant red!!! and still people complain about me!! aaah... what a weird world!!!!

About Me

Hi i am Bidisha, currently studying in Symbiosis Pune. Since childhood have been in the habbit of writing diaries and so finally decided ( thanks to a great friend!) it's high time i express how i feel to others too...and so the blog came in for my rescue. For most people i am a mentor in their life,for others i am the reason why they live[:)] but if u ask me who am i, i'd say i am a rather complex organic lifeform with a rather small mind, a huge heart overflowing with emotions who wants to live a simple life but lands up always complicating matters...